Time

At the end of this dreary Sunday in November, all I wish for is time.

Let me say that the last two days were ridiculously exhausting, as Analeigh has been sick with croup, and it has been going around the house. Sleep has been nil because this darling little 2 year old angel has been waking in the middle of the night and crawling into bed with me, cuddling up for that momma heartbeat, soothing herself back to sleep. I don't mind it one bit, truthfully. There is nothing better than waking up to her adorable little face in the morning, her tiny hands reaching for her baby, and telling me "wake up, mommy" as she pulls my blanket off. Once she signifies that my day has begun, I'm up. I could have bags under my eyes for weeks, and that is the least of my worries-- I just want more time with her... with all of my kids.

In just a little over a month, Mikey is going to be turning 6. The time has absolutely flown by, and I know that it is going to continue at lightning speed, especially now that he is in school full time. I remember how simple it was spending time with him when he was little in the fall-- how much he loved to be outside, playing in the leaves, and going to the park. It was all so much easier back then.... but now, with two younger sisters, and me in graduate school (classes starting tomorrow) and working, it feels like i just don't have enough time.

this is probably my favorite season of the year. I don't care who hates "the dirty 4 letter word" (namely-- SNOW), but winter is my favorite season. Yes, I love swimming, and yes, I love the autumn with the pumpkin spice and the electric shades of the changing foliage, the sweaters, the hayrides and apple picking-- yes, it is wonderful. But for whatever reason, I consider myself a snow queen. I LOVE making hot cocoa and watching fervishly out the window for the first snowfall. I love staring at my breath in the morning as I go to start my car, and giggling at the designs Jack Frost left on the window. I LOVE the colors of wintertime-- the ice blues, the silver bells and the golden hue of the candles in the windows, all the crimsons and emeralds signifying Christmas is coming. I love candy canes.... obsessively. And I am truly a child at heart because snowglobes are one of my favorite items of the season. I love pajama days when school is cancelled, and we can all be home making cookies and having snowball fights, and reading the Polar Express. every year, i secretly wait for winter to make tis debut, excited for all the seasonal joys it brings...

but is has become so commercial. i went to Walmart this evening to pick up some new scrub pants for work, and I slowly glided through the many aisles of seasonal favorites-- the colored candies, the decorations, the stockings-- and was filled with glee, until I began to see everything else-- the deals that scream out from the shelf "BUY ME! BUY ME!", and it completely changed my mood. My parents love to go to warmer climates around this time because my mom's fibromyalgia gets to be too much for the winter season. And today, when we spoke, she mentioned they would be in Haiti. With a store filled with stuff, and my parents on their way to Haiti, it just made me miss the simpler times. I want to be close to family, not worrying so much about what is under the tree, but moreso about what is on it-- maybe some homemade cranberry garland or strung popcorn, edible ornaments that can be a special treat as the tree comes down-- and who is around it, together. Maybe it sounds strange, but if yuo've never tried this, I recommend it-- lay down at the base of your Christmas tree this year, and look up the base, and just enjoy the view. The lights look so different on the inside of the tree, and it is relaxing to lay there and just take it all in. Why are things so simple, like this and reading seasonal favorites with the kids considered to be not good enough? Why does it matter if I buy my kids the newest tablet for toddlers instead of building Santa's castle with them out of blocks? Is money the ultimate meaning of the season now? Not for me.

Something about winter/Christmas season does something to me, and it makes me slow down. In part, it is because of the weather, and I'm not exactly in a rush to go 70 miles an hour to work on icy roads. On the other hand, I'm just reminded that it is the end of another year, and there is so much to celebrate that gets passed by if we let it. I don't care if I post pictures of my tree and the decor in the house so much as what the kids think when they help me do it, or how happy they are when we turn on the lights at night, and they gleefully cheer out the colors they see. And yes, I know that I have toddlers and preschoolers-- well, 1 preschooler and 1 kindergartener now-- that have so much energy, and they will run around driving me crazy, knocking over some decorations, burning their little fingers on the freshly baked cookies because they forgot not to touch what comes out of the oven until its cooled off. From what I have seen and done most of the year, we all spend too much time trying to get kids to "hurry up", "grow up", "sit up", "eat up", and do everything at a relatively faster pace than when I was little.

With Mikey turning 6, it has really hit me this year that I do not have as much time as I want-- especially now that separation papers are about to be drafted into divorce papers, and we have been wroking on custody arrangements and court agreements. Honestly, I hate talking about it, not so much because I am still in the delusion that whatever my marriage was can be fixed----- that is a LONG post for another day----- but because the time I have had with my kids is soon to be cut shorter, halved almost. And I do not want to waste one minute of time that I can have with them, enjoying what makes their hearts delighted, whether it is painting, dressing up like princesses, baking cookies with mommy, playing outside and pretending to be the Kung Fu Panda, the consistent asking "mommy, i want snuggle please" every single night without fail... this is the best gift I can offer them, this season and for a lifetime of memories.

Even though I've been exhausted this weekend, it gave me time to slow myself down and think about how I want to live my life-- what means more to me than loving God and celebrating the life, and the amazing kids, He has blessed me with? As I tucked Chara in tonight, I prayed with her, for the first time in a long time, and she was so excited that she encouraged me-- "Mommy, you didn't pray with Mikey yet. Come snuggle me after." I almost cried at my baby girl's eagerness for me to pray with them! How could I have missed that over the last year or so?

I made the command decision for myself, today, that my Christmas present is not going to come from a store this year, not for any of my kids. I am going to give them TIME-- time that mommy turns the phone off, the laptop is shut down, and the iPad is off; where the only music playing is Christian music, celebrating the life that God gave us, and it is over a stereo so there are no distractions that a laptop/iPad bring; time that we can read stories, decorate the house, get messy, get silly, break the structure (within limits, of course), and just celebrate our time together. I refuse to buy toys this year, but I will buy supplies. I will get the resources to bake amazing snacks with them, paints and small canvases for them to put their imaginations on and show me what goes in on in their creative little minds; I will take them to the library and let them borrow new books so we can read together every single day, and I will even go to the stores that have amazing collectiosn of children's books and start their desire early-- who says that you can't read a chapter book to a 5 year old? I'm not teaching them literary skills-- just pushing them to imagine. I want them to imagine the life of their dreams, and be able to know that they can have it. I want them to have the appreciation for family, and love, because true love is rare, and it should be cherished. I want them to know that just as much as I adore this season and all of its beauties and splendors, that I Love them much more, and that I eagerly await spending time with them just as much as I wait for Christmas carols and peppermint mocha coffee.

So, please forgive that I didn't post my raw foods/vegan food recipes over the last 2 days... when healing from this bug I've got, time with my babies was better than any other healing I could get. :-)

Savor and smile :-)