the silence in my house right now is deafening... and that scares me.
Normally I would be grateful for a silent moment alone to relax and shake off the day, enjoying the quiet in prayer or breathing deeply while flipping the pages in a good book fervently... but, despite the ever classic Pride and Prejudice on my screen, my cozy PJ pants, and everything prepared for the morning routine, the mom in me is eavesdropping to the door of my two year old's room, waiting for her to cough or snore-- because any kind of noise is more comforting than thinking she won't make it through the night.
Ana had a fever today, so high that she was sent to the ER, practically unable to breathe, and was later given breathing treatments and steroids to decrease the inflammation in her throat, helping her to catch her breath. She was also given medicine for her fever. now, with cough medicine in her system, the window slightly open to provide a cool mist for her breathing, and the door open so I can hear her, i'm trying to stay awake, waiting for her to be sleeping peacefully... and at the same time, praying for the night to pass quickly.
as last night was just as exhausting, and the poor angel ended up in my bed, cuddling and coughing all night, i joyfully admit to my infamous seasonal vice starting my morning-- a triple espresso peppermint mocha with an extra shot from Bigby's. Even this barely woke me from my sleepwalk, and in an attempt to hide the haggard look on my face, i took the words of Truvy from Steel Magnolias-- "There is no such thing as natural beauty"-- I chose to put on a full face today, from base to bronzer and all the layers in between. it certainly wasn't a perfect solution, but it was all I could think of while running on fumes.
it was too easy to be distracted, considering the compromised health of my baby girl and the failing health of my good friend Kal's mother, a wonderful example of a Proverbs 31 woman. this dear woman has been battling cancer for the last few years, and recently, the struggle got even more serious, as doctors found 3 modules in her brain, in inoperable areas. watching my baby girl suffer with her fever and inability to breathe without wheezing, i can only imagine what my dear friend Susan is going through, as she is preparing her family for the worst. i wish i could be of more help to them as they have always been such good support for me and the struggles I've faced. to see them going through such an epic battle is gutwrenching..... i'm practically in tears thinking about it..... still, it brought on an amazing idea, as I hate Halloween, and I found a better way to have an amazing time on that day. Suzie Q was born on Halloween, and I came up with an idea called "The Suzie Q- Fight your Demons- 5K". Anyone battling cancer or any other type of terminal illness can be supported in this cause as teams of runners can come to the event, raising funds for research or donations for families that suffer the different illnesses.
then, earlier this evening, i stumbled across an amazing photography album of a wedding renewal of the youth pastor and his wife in Africa. they have always been a portrayal of love, but these photos were absolutely stunning, in every sense of the word. to think, 10 years, and they are probably more in love than ever, and the joy was purely written all over them. Almost 8 years ago when I said "I do", i never had the inkling that things would not work out. i remember walking into a wall when he first asked my name, accidentally dropping china at the priest's house when we went for dinner (and man was I humiliated at that!), and dancing endlessly all evening at the submarine ball in April of that year, with a personally made orange gown outlined in silver stars and white flower in my hair.... i don't know why I hold onto these memories, as we now sleep in separate bedrooms and I spend my nights fine tuning separation agreements, divorce documents, and child custody arrangements. with an autistic son and two girls, and myself in grad school, evnentually a doctorate program, working with children on the spectrum, volunteering in ministry, learning photography, writing, learning to create desserts and delving into veganism as passionately as I can be, it is so difficult to imagine a love that will exist for me, one that would cross continents and take me to exotic locations-- be it for the love of travel, languages, food, or missions-- one that would love me for all that I am now, despite who I have been, and for everything I hope to become. i miss the days when life was simpler, and love wasn't a game, nor a fight, but worth waiting for and fighting for. I just hope that it finds me one day.
Until tomorrow,
:-)
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