The solitude of my room can never be appreciated enough.
I am the first to admit that I am not an easy woman to live with-- I'm very particular.... well, okay. I'm borderlined OCD about the way I keep my home. It is not just the "everything has a place and a nametag" syndrome that I possess, but also "everything has a time". Ecclesiastes "there is a time for every purpose" is basically the order in my home. When the laundry piles are overflowing onto the floor again, I know this is the time for turning on a netflix miniseries, grabbing the baskets, do a quick yoga stretch, and prepare to delve into the depths of denim and dockers. There is a time to make colorful and glorious messes, filled with bubbles and blocks, paints and pretending, where under the bed is going camping and behind the chair is a fort, and baby dolls are kept warm by being wrapped in mommy's hoodie. There is a time to play detective to the strange smell in the refrigerator, and a time to give a little leeway before rushing into the bathroom in order to prevent the poop picasso masterpiece on the wall. There is a time for making beds and being sent to bed, and the best time of the morning when everyone is freshly rolling over in their bed, seeing the morning light beam through the blinds. I love all of these moments-- they are glorious.
but then, there is also a time for me to back off... a time when my words are not heard, not adhered, and there is no place for me anymore. that is the time when my knowledge of Mikey's dietary needs gets tossed aside, and the fact that dairy makes him more aggressive and ultimately gives him more meltdowns gets forgotten, or eyes get rolled when i make a side comment that eggs, vegetables, smoothies, fish, hot dogs, hamburgers, popcorn, and many other foods are just as gluten free as the specialized processed GF brownies, oatmeal, knockoff oreos, breads, pastas, pretzels, and gummi snacks that fill Mikey's daily diet. There is a time when my stay-at-home mom experience means nothing, and being a child that had many behavioral issues doesn't make me an expert, as Chara and daddy go head-to-head over him refusing to give her mashed potatoes that she saw in the refrigerator-- mainly because he wants her to eat the tator tots instead. it doesn't matter if i say bedtime is at 7, because he wants to snuggle Ana until 8, because he works all the time and doesn't see her enough. these are the same nights that i have to stay up until almost midnight to make sure that the gourmet meal using every pot and pan in the house is clean, magically make more room in the frig for the leftovers that will ultimately become the strange smell lurking in a week, or blast music in my headphones, heavy basses and electric harmonies making me jump and shake off all the frustration and anger i have with the inability to fit into this awkward home has become. these are the moments I beg for God to fill my heart, because I am empty and running on fumes.
I've heard it so many times that my marriage can work if I only let God handle it, that nothing is too big for the Savior, that the Creator of the universe put us together and so He will ultimately decide when we are through. I keep hearing that it takes two, and that where one is unwilling, nothing will work. I have heard it from both sides, and I can understand both opinions. But from where I sit, all I see is his back-- the face of divergence. If you break up the word divorce, the latin prefix di- means "away"; in the Greek, it means "two" and "across"-- it gives the visual that two people have crossed paths, and anyone who has ever had the misfortune of taking algebra, trigonometry, geometry, or any other math that includes letters, equations, shapes and angles, paths that cross have a point where they are joined, and then they continue on forever in different directions. In the French, it was written as divertere, the past perfect meaning to "turn different ways". Even the Edenic, the word is PaRaSH, specifically meaning to "divide or separate". This is nothing new for me-- based on the meaning of this word, and the severity of the pain of being split, i can honestly say that spiritually, my home has been divorced for many years.
as i can hear them all arguing in the next room, the kids screaming during their bathtime, i include them in the divided home because this isn't my night. literally. It would be one thing to say that we, as spouses, were going our separate ways. but the home is now divided-- the kids have nights with daddy, and nights with mommy, alternating holidays, and the little geniuses often try to play one parent against the other. I try to understand the behavior and change it, still having the tendency to lose my temper on occasion when I've heard my name called for the 50th time in 15 seconds, while I am without coffee and barely surviving on 3 hours of sleep, particularly if I know he is sleeping in the next room and has the ability to help at any point. i do what i can to maintain consistency, while still having fun-- as i said beore, the Ecclesiastes approach. but, on the nights that aren't mine, much like tonight, i sit in my room, secluded from the kids, or unable to jump in and help (well, technically I can, but i try not to), and listen to the sound of brokenness coming from the other room. i can hear the sound of frustrated kids getting in trouble when they do not blindly enjoy the harsh pressure of the shower water, or the screams that ensue when they have already had a cookie but now they are told they can have no more. i hear the "I don't want to!", "I'm telling mommy!", the "you're not listening to me!", and a multitude of choice explicitives, and I can do nothing but sit here... it is miserable. many have asked me how i manage to live in the same house with this man, knowing that he wants nothing to do with me, that he refuses to give up the vice that separated us only months into our marriage to begin with, and why i continue to put up with the nonsense. I have been told to leave, I have been told to work it out. I have been told to "let it be" and "just do you". and truthfully, the only answer I have is: God.
alone, I have no strength to go through this day in and day out. my pain as a woman, a mom, and a wife of a broken marriage would have killed me a long time ago. i cannot truthfully sit here with a hand stretched up and say the typical cliches that would be heard on the Christian television network. I am far too emotional and many days, down-trodden, to sound cliche. What i can say is that there is comfort from my heavenly love everywhere-- even as the sound of tacky country music and screaming toddlers fills my living room, an Italian peach tea and garlic veggie pita bread fills my tatste buds with enough of the hallelujah chorus to tune it out. This morning, I heard the crunch of freshly fallen snow under my feet, and I walked extra slow into the building, just to enjoy the crispness in the air and the subtle first delight of my favorite season. Chara and I have been looking at things that she wants for Christmas, and it turns out that her love of The Little Mermaid is about as serious as mine was when I was little. The more time I get with them, planning on snowball fights, making hot cocoa and watching the Polar Express, reading my old favorite stories to them at night, chapter by chapter, while they are cozy and wrapped up snug-- it all brings a comfort that even the worst of my living situation can't ruin. I'm blessed enough to have my own room to retreat to when the night becomes stressful; when i curl up in my own covers, and i hear my darling Ana across the room in her big girl bed, lightly snoring and snuggling her baby Elsa and "Be-beth" (her two almost-matching Cabbage patch dolls she got from my mom), and it reminds me of the great connection I have with my kids. All of them have slept in my bed, snuggled with me, gotten sick and asked for me, gotten sick ON me, play with me, bake with me, laugh with me, pray with me... and yes, they give me attitude, and they argue with me, they test my limits, and the push the envelope more often than I'd like. And though, in the moment, I feel I'm about to break-- when i tuck them in at night, i couldn't be more grateful that they are here, and they are so beautiful, that these moments are happening. I am alive, and I look out the window at the lights, the iridescent reflections on the street as the snow falls, and knowing that my time will come.
it has been a journey, and i do not know the exact day it will come to a close. but what i do know is that an ending is just a new beginning, that in the silence of the room, there is still the melodious whisper of my creator singing to me that His love never fails, that I am not too far gone, that He loves me in spite of everything that has happened in the last 8 years. and as the home becomes more split, as the wound becomes more open and the cut more complete, i can know that the divergence from him is only turning back to God, looking up, and putting away of anything that isn't of Him. maybe this is an epiphany, and maybe it isn't. But in the silence of the room and the chaos just outside, it gets me through days like today.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Time
At the end of this dreary Sunday in November, all I wish for is time.
Let me say that the last two days were ridiculously exhausting, as Analeigh has been sick with croup, and it has been going around the house. Sleep has been nil because this darling little 2 year old angel has been waking in the middle of the night and crawling into bed with me, cuddling up for that momma heartbeat, soothing herself back to sleep. I don't mind it one bit, truthfully. There is nothing better than waking up to her adorable little face in the morning, her tiny hands reaching for her baby, and telling me "wake up, mommy" as she pulls my blanket off. Once she signifies that my day has begun, I'm up. I could have bags under my eyes for weeks, and that is the least of my worries-- I just want more time with her... with all of my kids.
In just a little over a month, Mikey is going to be turning 6. The time has absolutely flown by, and I know that it is going to continue at lightning speed, especially now that he is in school full time. I remember how simple it was spending time with him when he was little in the fall-- how much he loved to be outside, playing in the leaves, and going to the park. It was all so much easier back then.... but now, with two younger sisters, and me in graduate school (classes starting tomorrow) and working, it feels like i just don't have enough time.
this is probably my favorite season of the year. I don't care who hates "the dirty 4 letter word" (namely-- SNOW), but winter is my favorite season. Yes, I love swimming, and yes, I love the autumn with the pumpkin spice and the electric shades of the changing foliage, the sweaters, the hayrides and apple picking-- yes, it is wonderful. But for whatever reason, I consider myself a snow queen. I LOVE making hot cocoa and watching fervishly out the window for the first snowfall. I love staring at my breath in the morning as I go to start my car, and giggling at the designs Jack Frost left on the window. I LOVE the colors of wintertime-- the ice blues, the silver bells and the golden hue of the candles in the windows, all the crimsons and emeralds signifying Christmas is coming. I love candy canes.... obsessively. And I am truly a child at heart because snowglobes are one of my favorite items of the season. I love pajama days when school is cancelled, and we can all be home making cookies and having snowball fights, and reading the Polar Express. every year, i secretly wait for winter to make tis debut, excited for all the seasonal joys it brings...
but is has become so commercial. i went to Walmart this evening to pick up some new scrub pants for work, and I slowly glided through the many aisles of seasonal favorites-- the colored candies, the decorations, the stockings-- and was filled with glee, until I began to see everything else-- the deals that scream out from the shelf "BUY ME! BUY ME!", and it completely changed my mood. My parents love to go to warmer climates around this time because my mom's fibromyalgia gets to be too much for the winter season. And today, when we spoke, she mentioned they would be in Haiti. With a store filled with stuff, and my parents on their way to Haiti, it just made me miss the simpler times. I want to be close to family, not worrying so much about what is under the tree, but moreso about what is on it-- maybe some homemade cranberry garland or strung popcorn, edible ornaments that can be a special treat as the tree comes down-- and who is around it, together. Maybe it sounds strange, but if yuo've never tried this, I recommend it-- lay down at the base of your Christmas tree this year, and look up the base, and just enjoy the view. The lights look so different on the inside of the tree, and it is relaxing to lay there and just take it all in. Why are things so simple, like this and reading seasonal favorites with the kids considered to be not good enough? Why does it matter if I buy my kids the newest tablet for toddlers instead of building Santa's castle with them out of blocks? Is money the ultimate meaning of the season now? Not for me.
Something about winter/Christmas season does something to me, and it makes me slow down. In part, it is because of the weather, and I'm not exactly in a rush to go 70 miles an hour to work on icy roads. On the other hand, I'm just reminded that it is the end of another year, and there is so much to celebrate that gets passed by if we let it. I don't care if I post pictures of my tree and the decor in the house so much as what the kids think when they help me do it, or how happy they are when we turn on the lights at night, and they gleefully cheer out the colors they see. And yes, I know that I have toddlers and preschoolers-- well, 1 preschooler and 1 kindergartener now-- that have so much energy, and they will run around driving me crazy, knocking over some decorations, burning their little fingers on the freshly baked cookies because they forgot not to touch what comes out of the oven until its cooled off. From what I have seen and done most of the year, we all spend too much time trying to get kids to "hurry up", "grow up", "sit up", "eat up", and do everything at a relatively faster pace than when I was little.
With Mikey turning 6, it has really hit me this year that I do not have as much time as I want-- especially now that separation papers are about to be drafted into divorce papers, and we have been wroking on custody arrangements and court agreements. Honestly, I hate talking about it, not so much because I am still in the delusion that whatever my marriage was can be fixed----- that is a LONG post for another day----- but because the time I have had with my kids is soon to be cut shorter, halved almost. And I do not want to waste one minute of time that I can have with them, enjoying what makes their hearts delighted, whether it is painting, dressing up like princesses, baking cookies with mommy, playing outside and pretending to be the Kung Fu Panda, the consistent asking "mommy, i want snuggle please" every single night without fail... this is the best gift I can offer them, this season and for a lifetime of memories.
Even though I've been exhausted this weekend, it gave me time to slow myself down and think about how I want to live my life-- what means more to me than loving God and celebrating the life, and the amazing kids, He has blessed me with? As I tucked Chara in tonight, I prayed with her, for the first time in a long time, and she was so excited that she encouraged me-- "Mommy, you didn't pray with Mikey yet. Come snuggle me after." I almost cried at my baby girl's eagerness for me to pray with them! How could I have missed that over the last year or so?
I made the command decision for myself, today, that my Christmas present is not going to come from a store this year, not for any of my kids. I am going to give them TIME-- time that mommy turns the phone off, the laptop is shut down, and the iPad is off; where the only music playing is Christian music, celebrating the life that God gave us, and it is over a stereo so there are no distractions that a laptop/iPad bring; time that we can read stories, decorate the house, get messy, get silly, break the structure (within limits, of course), and just celebrate our time together. I refuse to buy toys this year, but I will buy supplies. I will get the resources to bake amazing snacks with them, paints and small canvases for them to put their imaginations on and show me what goes in on in their creative little minds; I will take them to the library and let them borrow new books so we can read together every single day, and I will even go to the stores that have amazing collectiosn of children's books and start their desire early-- who says that you can't read a chapter book to a 5 year old? I'm not teaching them literary skills-- just pushing them to imagine. I want them to imagine the life of their dreams, and be able to know that they can have it. I want them to have the appreciation for family, and love, because true love is rare, and it should be cherished. I want them to know that just as much as I adore this season and all of its beauties and splendors, that I Love them much more, and that I eagerly await spending time with them just as much as I wait for Christmas carols and peppermint mocha coffee.
So, please forgive that I didn't post my raw foods/vegan food recipes over the last 2 days... when healing from this bug I've got, time with my babies was better than any other healing I could get. :-)
Savor and smile :-)
Let me say that the last two days were ridiculously exhausting, as Analeigh has been sick with croup, and it has been going around the house. Sleep has been nil because this darling little 2 year old angel has been waking in the middle of the night and crawling into bed with me, cuddling up for that momma heartbeat, soothing herself back to sleep. I don't mind it one bit, truthfully. There is nothing better than waking up to her adorable little face in the morning, her tiny hands reaching for her baby, and telling me "wake up, mommy" as she pulls my blanket off. Once she signifies that my day has begun, I'm up. I could have bags under my eyes for weeks, and that is the least of my worries-- I just want more time with her... with all of my kids.
In just a little over a month, Mikey is going to be turning 6. The time has absolutely flown by, and I know that it is going to continue at lightning speed, especially now that he is in school full time. I remember how simple it was spending time with him when he was little in the fall-- how much he loved to be outside, playing in the leaves, and going to the park. It was all so much easier back then.... but now, with two younger sisters, and me in graduate school (classes starting tomorrow) and working, it feels like i just don't have enough time.
this is probably my favorite season of the year. I don't care who hates "the dirty 4 letter word" (namely-- SNOW), but winter is my favorite season. Yes, I love swimming, and yes, I love the autumn with the pumpkin spice and the electric shades of the changing foliage, the sweaters, the hayrides and apple picking-- yes, it is wonderful. But for whatever reason, I consider myself a snow queen. I LOVE making hot cocoa and watching fervishly out the window for the first snowfall. I love staring at my breath in the morning as I go to start my car, and giggling at the designs Jack Frost left on the window. I LOVE the colors of wintertime-- the ice blues, the silver bells and the golden hue of the candles in the windows, all the crimsons and emeralds signifying Christmas is coming. I love candy canes.... obsessively. And I am truly a child at heart because snowglobes are one of my favorite items of the season. I love pajama days when school is cancelled, and we can all be home making cookies and having snowball fights, and reading the Polar Express. every year, i secretly wait for winter to make tis debut, excited for all the seasonal joys it brings...
but is has become so commercial. i went to Walmart this evening to pick up some new scrub pants for work, and I slowly glided through the many aisles of seasonal favorites-- the colored candies, the decorations, the stockings-- and was filled with glee, until I began to see everything else-- the deals that scream out from the shelf "BUY ME! BUY ME!", and it completely changed my mood. My parents love to go to warmer climates around this time because my mom's fibromyalgia gets to be too much for the winter season. And today, when we spoke, she mentioned they would be in Haiti. With a store filled with stuff, and my parents on their way to Haiti, it just made me miss the simpler times. I want to be close to family, not worrying so much about what is under the tree, but moreso about what is on it-- maybe some homemade cranberry garland or strung popcorn, edible ornaments that can be a special treat as the tree comes down-- and who is around it, together. Maybe it sounds strange, but if yuo've never tried this, I recommend it-- lay down at the base of your Christmas tree this year, and look up the base, and just enjoy the view. The lights look so different on the inside of the tree, and it is relaxing to lay there and just take it all in. Why are things so simple, like this and reading seasonal favorites with the kids considered to be not good enough? Why does it matter if I buy my kids the newest tablet for toddlers instead of building Santa's castle with them out of blocks? Is money the ultimate meaning of the season now? Not for me.
Something about winter/Christmas season does something to me, and it makes me slow down. In part, it is because of the weather, and I'm not exactly in a rush to go 70 miles an hour to work on icy roads. On the other hand, I'm just reminded that it is the end of another year, and there is so much to celebrate that gets passed by if we let it. I don't care if I post pictures of my tree and the decor in the house so much as what the kids think when they help me do it, or how happy they are when we turn on the lights at night, and they gleefully cheer out the colors they see. And yes, I know that I have toddlers and preschoolers-- well, 1 preschooler and 1 kindergartener now-- that have so much energy, and they will run around driving me crazy, knocking over some decorations, burning their little fingers on the freshly baked cookies because they forgot not to touch what comes out of the oven until its cooled off. From what I have seen and done most of the year, we all spend too much time trying to get kids to "hurry up", "grow up", "sit up", "eat up", and do everything at a relatively faster pace than when I was little.
With Mikey turning 6, it has really hit me this year that I do not have as much time as I want-- especially now that separation papers are about to be drafted into divorce papers, and we have been wroking on custody arrangements and court agreements. Honestly, I hate talking about it, not so much because I am still in the delusion that whatever my marriage was can be fixed----- that is a LONG post for another day----- but because the time I have had with my kids is soon to be cut shorter, halved almost. And I do not want to waste one minute of time that I can have with them, enjoying what makes their hearts delighted, whether it is painting, dressing up like princesses, baking cookies with mommy, playing outside and pretending to be the Kung Fu Panda, the consistent asking "mommy, i want snuggle please" every single night without fail... this is the best gift I can offer them, this season and for a lifetime of memories.
Even though I've been exhausted this weekend, it gave me time to slow myself down and think about how I want to live my life-- what means more to me than loving God and celebrating the life, and the amazing kids, He has blessed me with? As I tucked Chara in tonight, I prayed with her, for the first time in a long time, and she was so excited that she encouraged me-- "Mommy, you didn't pray with Mikey yet. Come snuggle me after." I almost cried at my baby girl's eagerness for me to pray with them! How could I have missed that over the last year or so?
I made the command decision for myself, today, that my Christmas present is not going to come from a store this year, not for any of my kids. I am going to give them TIME-- time that mommy turns the phone off, the laptop is shut down, and the iPad is off; where the only music playing is Christian music, celebrating the life that God gave us, and it is over a stereo so there are no distractions that a laptop/iPad bring; time that we can read stories, decorate the house, get messy, get silly, break the structure (within limits, of course), and just celebrate our time together. I refuse to buy toys this year, but I will buy supplies. I will get the resources to bake amazing snacks with them, paints and small canvases for them to put their imaginations on and show me what goes in on in their creative little minds; I will take them to the library and let them borrow new books so we can read together every single day, and I will even go to the stores that have amazing collectiosn of children's books and start their desire early-- who says that you can't read a chapter book to a 5 year old? I'm not teaching them literary skills-- just pushing them to imagine. I want them to imagine the life of their dreams, and be able to know that they can have it. I want them to have the appreciation for family, and love, because true love is rare, and it should be cherished. I want them to know that just as much as I adore this season and all of its beauties and splendors, that I Love them much more, and that I eagerly await spending time with them just as much as I wait for Christmas carols and peppermint mocha coffee.
So, please forgive that I didn't post my raw foods/vegan food recipes over the last 2 days... when healing from this bug I've got, time with my babies was better than any other healing I could get. :-)
Savor and smile :-)
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Peppermint Mocha, Pride, and Prejudice
the silence in my house right now is deafening... and that scares me.
Normally I would be grateful for a silent moment alone to relax and shake off the day, enjoying the quiet in prayer or breathing deeply while flipping the pages in a good book fervently... but, despite the ever classic Pride and Prejudice on my screen, my cozy PJ pants, and everything prepared for the morning routine, the mom in me is eavesdropping to the door of my two year old's room, waiting for her to cough or snore-- because any kind of noise is more comforting than thinking she won't make it through the night.
Ana had a fever today, so high that she was sent to the ER, practically unable to breathe, and was later given breathing treatments and steroids to decrease the inflammation in her throat, helping her to catch her breath. She was also given medicine for her fever. now, with cough medicine in her system, the window slightly open to provide a cool mist for her breathing, and the door open so I can hear her, i'm trying to stay awake, waiting for her to be sleeping peacefully... and at the same time, praying for the night to pass quickly.
as last night was just as exhausting, and the poor angel ended up in my bed, cuddling and coughing all night, i joyfully admit to my infamous seasonal vice starting my morning-- a triple espresso peppermint mocha with an extra shot from Bigby's. Even this barely woke me from my sleepwalk, and in an attempt to hide the haggard look on my face, i took the words of Truvy from Steel Magnolias-- "There is no such thing as natural beauty"-- I chose to put on a full face today, from base to bronzer and all the layers in between. it certainly wasn't a perfect solution, but it was all I could think of while running on fumes.
it was too easy to be distracted, considering the compromised health of my baby girl and the failing health of my good friend Kal's mother, a wonderful example of a Proverbs 31 woman. this dear woman has been battling cancer for the last few years, and recently, the struggle got even more serious, as doctors found 3 modules in her brain, in inoperable areas. watching my baby girl suffer with her fever and inability to breathe without wheezing, i can only imagine what my dear friend Susan is going through, as she is preparing her family for the worst. i wish i could be of more help to them as they have always been such good support for me and the struggles I've faced. to see them going through such an epic battle is gutwrenching..... i'm practically in tears thinking about it..... still, it brought on an amazing idea, as I hate Halloween, and I found a better way to have an amazing time on that day. Suzie Q was born on Halloween, and I came up with an idea called "The Suzie Q- Fight your Demons- 5K". Anyone battling cancer or any other type of terminal illness can be supported in this cause as teams of runners can come to the event, raising funds for research or donations for families that suffer the different illnesses.
then, earlier this evening, i stumbled across an amazing photography album of a wedding renewal of the youth pastor and his wife in Africa. they have always been a portrayal of love, but these photos were absolutely stunning, in every sense of the word. to think, 10 years, and they are probably more in love than ever, and the joy was purely written all over them. Almost 8 years ago when I said "I do", i never had the inkling that things would not work out. i remember walking into a wall when he first asked my name, accidentally dropping china at the priest's house when we went for dinner (and man was I humiliated at that!), and dancing endlessly all evening at the submarine ball in April of that year, with a personally made orange gown outlined in silver stars and white flower in my hair.... i don't know why I hold onto these memories, as we now sleep in separate bedrooms and I spend my nights fine tuning separation agreements, divorce documents, and child custody arrangements. with an autistic son and two girls, and myself in grad school, evnentually a doctorate program, working with children on the spectrum, volunteering in ministry, learning photography, writing, learning to create desserts and delving into veganism as passionately as I can be, it is so difficult to imagine a love that will exist for me, one that would cross continents and take me to exotic locations-- be it for the love of travel, languages, food, or missions-- one that would love me for all that I am now, despite who I have been, and for everything I hope to become. i miss the days when life was simpler, and love wasn't a game, nor a fight, but worth waiting for and fighting for. I just hope that it finds me one day.
Until tomorrow,
:-)
Normally I would be grateful for a silent moment alone to relax and shake off the day, enjoying the quiet in prayer or breathing deeply while flipping the pages in a good book fervently... but, despite the ever classic Pride and Prejudice on my screen, my cozy PJ pants, and everything prepared for the morning routine, the mom in me is eavesdropping to the door of my two year old's room, waiting for her to cough or snore-- because any kind of noise is more comforting than thinking she won't make it through the night.
Ana had a fever today, so high that she was sent to the ER, practically unable to breathe, and was later given breathing treatments and steroids to decrease the inflammation in her throat, helping her to catch her breath. She was also given medicine for her fever. now, with cough medicine in her system, the window slightly open to provide a cool mist for her breathing, and the door open so I can hear her, i'm trying to stay awake, waiting for her to be sleeping peacefully... and at the same time, praying for the night to pass quickly.
as last night was just as exhausting, and the poor angel ended up in my bed, cuddling and coughing all night, i joyfully admit to my infamous seasonal vice starting my morning-- a triple espresso peppermint mocha with an extra shot from Bigby's. Even this barely woke me from my sleepwalk, and in an attempt to hide the haggard look on my face, i took the words of Truvy from Steel Magnolias-- "There is no such thing as natural beauty"-- I chose to put on a full face today, from base to bronzer and all the layers in between. it certainly wasn't a perfect solution, but it was all I could think of while running on fumes.
it was too easy to be distracted, considering the compromised health of my baby girl and the failing health of my good friend Kal's mother, a wonderful example of a Proverbs 31 woman. this dear woman has been battling cancer for the last few years, and recently, the struggle got even more serious, as doctors found 3 modules in her brain, in inoperable areas. watching my baby girl suffer with her fever and inability to breathe without wheezing, i can only imagine what my dear friend Susan is going through, as she is preparing her family for the worst. i wish i could be of more help to them as they have always been such good support for me and the struggles I've faced. to see them going through such an epic battle is gutwrenching..... i'm practically in tears thinking about it..... still, it brought on an amazing idea, as I hate Halloween, and I found a better way to have an amazing time on that day. Suzie Q was born on Halloween, and I came up with an idea called "The Suzie Q- Fight your Demons- 5K". Anyone battling cancer or any other type of terminal illness can be supported in this cause as teams of runners can come to the event, raising funds for research or donations for families that suffer the different illnesses.
then, earlier this evening, i stumbled across an amazing photography album of a wedding renewal of the youth pastor and his wife in Africa. they have always been a portrayal of love, but these photos were absolutely stunning, in every sense of the word. to think, 10 years, and they are probably more in love than ever, and the joy was purely written all over them. Almost 8 years ago when I said "I do", i never had the inkling that things would not work out. i remember walking into a wall when he first asked my name, accidentally dropping china at the priest's house when we went for dinner (and man was I humiliated at that!), and dancing endlessly all evening at the submarine ball in April of that year, with a personally made orange gown outlined in silver stars and white flower in my hair.... i don't know why I hold onto these memories, as we now sleep in separate bedrooms and I spend my nights fine tuning separation agreements, divorce documents, and child custody arrangements. with an autistic son and two girls, and myself in grad school, evnentually a doctorate program, working with children on the spectrum, volunteering in ministry, learning photography, writing, learning to create desserts and delving into veganism as passionately as I can be, it is so difficult to imagine a love that will exist for me, one that would cross continents and take me to exotic locations-- be it for the love of travel, languages, food, or missions-- one that would love me for all that I am now, despite who I have been, and for everything I hope to become. i miss the days when life was simpler, and love wasn't a game, nor a fight, but worth waiting for and fighting for. I just hope that it finds me one day.
Until tomorrow,
:-)
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Day 5
It has recently come to my attention that I am completely and unapologetically addicted to coffee...
This morning, as i was crawling out of bed with approximately 2-3 hours of sleep and the Louis Vatton bags to prove it, i trudged to the kitchen, preparing to make a steaming chocolate caramel latte.... and then was forced to remember that I am not currently allowed to have caffeine.... and within seconds of that cruel reality sinking in, instead of instant coffee, I had an instant migraine.
Regardless, I made a PB&J smoothie instead-- a mix of coconut milk, peanut butter (or the dried substitute in my case that has only 45 calories and no oil! check it out sometime-- it's called PB2), about two large handfuls of spinach, a cup of raspberries (which really is the whole pint), and the vegan vanilla protein powder. It was slightly on the tart side, but still yummy.
Side Note-- I have heard of meditations for weight loss and self control over eating habits, and while I do think some research into that type of practice may hold some merit, I think that just not buying oreos would be easier for me right now.... thankfully, the package is now gone, and in turn, so is the temptation to eat them........ Don't judge. :-)
I'm not sure how I survived my day at work today. I was on the verge of falling asleep about every 10 seconds, and overall, my energy level was minimal. That, combined with the lack of conversation in the house due to the inherent awkwardness of yesterday's tablet discoveries, and one moment at a time was all I could handle today. To top it off, when I came home, the Itty Bitty Pretty one still had a fever, and so prepping/cooking wasn't really an option. Spicy black bean burgers was the entree of the evening again, not that I minded since it was freezing outside, cloudy, and the smell of rain was in the air.
Now, a full moon is rising, the sniffles are present, and it is the 5th of November, only the best night to watch V for Vendetta. And, as I'm doing my best not to get sick, drinking an orangey cider type of tea that warms the body and comforts the spirit. It is the perfect ending to a rough day.... and as a side note, i find this to be an abundant amount of irony in my life. I spend my days helping individuals who are delayed in some way to learn to communicate, and yet, when I hear my name an exhausting number of times from the Quizmaster (my 4 year old), I cannot help but want quiet. As much as I love that girl, she could be her own little Marvel superhero-- I'd call her The Informer, and she would wear all black, as she is stealthy and always manages to trip me by lurking in my shadow, and I would draw her with a very big mouth....... okay, and eyes that can melt you into a puddle.... what can I say? She is my kryptonite. I love her so much.
I may have to start this 21 day journey again-- it's been 5 days, and I think I did a non-vegan processed item at least once each day..... I'll decide tomorrow. Check back in to see.
Until then,
Savor and Smile :-)
This morning, as i was crawling out of bed with approximately 2-3 hours of sleep and the Louis Vatton bags to prove it, i trudged to the kitchen, preparing to make a steaming chocolate caramel latte.... and then was forced to remember that I am not currently allowed to have caffeine.... and within seconds of that cruel reality sinking in, instead of instant coffee, I had an instant migraine.
Regardless, I made a PB&J smoothie instead-- a mix of coconut milk, peanut butter (or the dried substitute in my case that has only 45 calories and no oil! check it out sometime-- it's called PB2), about two large handfuls of spinach, a cup of raspberries (which really is the whole pint), and the vegan vanilla protein powder. It was slightly on the tart side, but still yummy.
Side Note-- I have heard of meditations for weight loss and self control over eating habits, and while I do think some research into that type of practice may hold some merit, I think that just not buying oreos would be easier for me right now.... thankfully, the package is now gone, and in turn, so is the temptation to eat them........ Don't judge. :-)
I'm not sure how I survived my day at work today. I was on the verge of falling asleep about every 10 seconds, and overall, my energy level was minimal. That, combined with the lack of conversation in the house due to the inherent awkwardness of yesterday's tablet discoveries, and one moment at a time was all I could handle today. To top it off, when I came home, the Itty Bitty Pretty one still had a fever, and so prepping/cooking wasn't really an option. Spicy black bean burgers was the entree of the evening again, not that I minded since it was freezing outside, cloudy, and the smell of rain was in the air.
Now, a full moon is rising, the sniffles are present, and it is the 5th of November, only the best night to watch V for Vendetta. And, as I'm doing my best not to get sick, drinking an orangey cider type of tea that warms the body and comforts the spirit. It is the perfect ending to a rough day.... and as a side note, i find this to be an abundant amount of irony in my life. I spend my days helping individuals who are delayed in some way to learn to communicate, and yet, when I hear my name an exhausting number of times from the Quizmaster (my 4 year old), I cannot help but want quiet. As much as I love that girl, she could be her own little Marvel superhero-- I'd call her The Informer, and she would wear all black, as she is stealthy and always manages to trip me by lurking in my shadow, and I would draw her with a very big mouth....... okay, and eyes that can melt you into a puddle.... what can I say? She is my kryptonite. I love her so much.
I may have to start this 21 day journey again-- it's been 5 days, and I think I did a non-vegan processed item at least once each day..... I'll decide tomorrow. Check back in to see.
Until then,
Savor and Smile :-)
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Day 4
Disclaimer: I am writing this with the knowledge that I will probably sleep like a dreaming infant tonight... I'm about ready to crash, so please bear with me.
This morning, I am glad to say I took a different approach to my smoothie as I knew that the middle of the day tends to be my moment of weakness... so, my concoction for the morning is normally called "Whey to go"; however, since I do not use whey protein, I will just call it "Way to wake up" :-) It is an intoxicating blend of chocolate protein powder, blackberries (fresh or frozen), coconut milk, a TON of fresh crispy kale, raw cacao powder, a tiny bit of stevia, and then ice. I happen to think that the ice waters down the flavor, so I prefer the frozen fruit. Same effect and it keeps the blackberry taste, sweet and tart at the same time. Needless to day, I could hear the Hallelujah chorus this morning. It is definitely my all time favorite smoothie-- I've made it for over a year, usually when I go for jogs in the springtime. But, I digress.
Prepared as I tend to be in the morning to get everything done on time, there is always a chink in the chain, and this morning truly threw me for a loop. The sound of my girls fighting over a toy is nothing uncommon in my house, nor is the sound of yelling about it. I think it similar to living near an airport-- after a while, you either don't notice it or it doesn't bother you. Either way, the volume was hardly a concern compare to my 4 year old handing me a tablet, then informing me there was a girl in a bathing suit on it.... of course, I'm glad that my 4 year old has an innocent brain, and grateful beyond grateful that she didn't ask questions. I simply closed it up, put it in the other room and told her not to play with that tablet anymore... This definitely had my head spinning when I figured out what she had gotten a glimpse of, and I suddenly missed the days when she couldn't even reach the kitchen counter and she couldn't get enough of reading stories with me. Now it's nail polish and dress up, and LORD does she have an attitude. Still, even in moments like this one, she is one of 3 reasons why I love being a mom... the other 2 were in the living room playing. :-)
I was grateful to get a slightly later start today at work-- well, I suppose I was still early since clock in time is 9:15, but I am always there by 8:20. Regardless, I showed up around 8:45, completely prepared for the morning, as paperwork had already been prepped, and what a relief that was. It seemed like it would be a perfect morning.... except for the fact that being female was not an advantage today, especially since I had oreos in my bag, practically begging me to devour them and then bask in the serotonin hangover. And, with dreams of twisting cookies and imagining my future hubby (I know I'm not the ONLY one who played that game in elementary school), I enjoyed 4 of them, and started my day.
I'd love to say that everything was perfect today, and that it stayed that way due to the glory of chocolate.... sadly, it did not. My student did give me a bit of a run for my money today, constantly throwing the materials for his tasks across the room and then laughing at the hilarity of me, a grown woman and college graduate, being reduced to playing fetch. This, of course, preceeded picking up my kiddos at the sitter's only to find that my baby girl had a nasty fever, and the minute she sat in my lap, she unloaded everything she ate today ALL over me-- it was like the bubbling fountain of puke, ABSOLUTELY disgusting! It completely reeked, and naturally, this girl is such a pro, I do believe that she even managed to get some in my bra, you know, to save for later. It goes without saying that we both needed to come home and get cleaned up. It also goes without saying that after this event, I REALLY wasn't in the mood to prepare something incredible for dinner, partially because my appetite was basically gone, and partially because my little girl being sick is a perfect excuse for snuggles with mommy.......................Don't judge. Really. Don't judge.
I made the kids some gluten free pasta with mushroom infused pasta sauce, and for myself, I heated up vegan black bean burgers. I did want to make up my kale chips (again, crediting the recipe to The Vegan Zombie), but I did not have the time to soak the cashews for the "cheesy" sauce. And yes, there is always a substitute recipe with oil and a bit of pepper, something fast that can be done in 10 minutes, but let's be honest-- is there anything better than cheese? Think this over-- when something tastes amazing, like chili on a cold wintry night, or the smell of oregano fills your nostrils at an Italian festival, I can almost guarantee you that there will always be cheese included in whatever is being cooked. The reality is-- there is nothing more comforting than cheese. :-)
Well.....maybe one thing, in my case. The kiddos' dad made sure to mention to me that he was going to be leaving for work earlier this evening to make sure he was there by 9pm..... and of course, when 9pm rolled around and he still wasn't awake, I got a slight giggle and a hidden fosse dance in my "Schaudnfraude Circuit" (that secret part of you that sees something unpleasant happen to someone else and you're glad it isn't you!) -- it took everything not to laugh at the man when he was running around with one sock on and yelling obscenities because he was now late.....
Guess he should have asked for a "Way to wake up" smoothie ;-)
Until tomorrow!
Savor and Smile :-D
This morning, I am glad to say I took a different approach to my smoothie as I knew that the middle of the day tends to be my moment of weakness... so, my concoction for the morning is normally called "Whey to go"; however, since I do not use whey protein, I will just call it "Way to wake up" :-) It is an intoxicating blend of chocolate protein powder, blackberries (fresh or frozen), coconut milk, a TON of fresh crispy kale, raw cacao powder, a tiny bit of stevia, and then ice. I happen to think that the ice waters down the flavor, so I prefer the frozen fruit. Same effect and it keeps the blackberry taste, sweet and tart at the same time. Needless to day, I could hear the Hallelujah chorus this morning. It is definitely my all time favorite smoothie-- I've made it for over a year, usually when I go for jogs in the springtime. But, I digress.
Prepared as I tend to be in the morning to get everything done on time, there is always a chink in the chain, and this morning truly threw me for a loop. The sound of my girls fighting over a toy is nothing uncommon in my house, nor is the sound of yelling about it. I think it similar to living near an airport-- after a while, you either don't notice it or it doesn't bother you. Either way, the volume was hardly a concern compare to my 4 year old handing me a tablet, then informing me there was a girl in a bathing suit on it.... of course, I'm glad that my 4 year old has an innocent brain, and grateful beyond grateful that she didn't ask questions. I simply closed it up, put it in the other room and told her not to play with that tablet anymore... This definitely had my head spinning when I figured out what she had gotten a glimpse of, and I suddenly missed the days when she couldn't even reach the kitchen counter and she couldn't get enough of reading stories with me. Now it's nail polish and dress up, and LORD does she have an attitude. Still, even in moments like this one, she is one of 3 reasons why I love being a mom... the other 2 were in the living room playing. :-)
I was grateful to get a slightly later start today at work-- well, I suppose I was still early since clock in time is 9:15, but I am always there by 8:20. Regardless, I showed up around 8:45, completely prepared for the morning, as paperwork had already been prepped, and what a relief that was. It seemed like it would be a perfect morning.... except for the fact that being female was not an advantage today, especially since I had oreos in my bag, practically begging me to devour them and then bask in the serotonin hangover. And, with dreams of twisting cookies and imagining my future hubby (I know I'm not the ONLY one who played that game in elementary school), I enjoyed 4 of them, and started my day.
I'd love to say that everything was perfect today, and that it stayed that way due to the glory of chocolate.... sadly, it did not. My student did give me a bit of a run for my money today, constantly throwing the materials for his tasks across the room and then laughing at the hilarity of me, a grown woman and college graduate, being reduced to playing fetch. This, of course, preceeded picking up my kiddos at the sitter's only to find that my baby girl had a nasty fever, and the minute she sat in my lap, she unloaded everything she ate today ALL over me-- it was like the bubbling fountain of puke, ABSOLUTELY disgusting! It completely reeked, and naturally, this girl is such a pro, I do believe that she even managed to get some in my bra, you know, to save for later. It goes without saying that we both needed to come home and get cleaned up. It also goes without saying that after this event, I REALLY wasn't in the mood to prepare something incredible for dinner, partially because my appetite was basically gone, and partially because my little girl being sick is a perfect excuse for snuggles with mommy.......................Don't judge. Really. Don't judge.
I made the kids some gluten free pasta with mushroom infused pasta sauce, and for myself, I heated up vegan black bean burgers. I did want to make up my kale chips (again, crediting the recipe to The Vegan Zombie), but I did not have the time to soak the cashews for the "cheesy" sauce. And yes, there is always a substitute recipe with oil and a bit of pepper, something fast that can be done in 10 minutes, but let's be honest-- is there anything better than cheese? Think this over-- when something tastes amazing, like chili on a cold wintry night, or the smell of oregano fills your nostrils at an Italian festival, I can almost guarantee you that there will always be cheese included in whatever is being cooked. The reality is-- there is nothing more comforting than cheese. :-)
Well.....maybe one thing, in my case. The kiddos' dad made sure to mention to me that he was going to be leaving for work earlier this evening to make sure he was there by 9pm..... and of course, when 9pm rolled around and he still wasn't awake, I got a slight giggle and a hidden fosse dance in my "Schaudnfraude Circuit" (that secret part of you that sees something unpleasant happen to someone else and you're glad it isn't you!) -- it took everything not to laugh at the man when he was running around with one sock on and yelling obscenities because he was now late.....
Guess he should have asked for a "Way to wake up" smoothie ;-)
Until tomorrow!
Savor and Smile :-D
Monday, November 3, 2014
Day 3
Day 3.... November 3.... oh boy...
Let me just say that I knew from the moment I woke up this morning that my day was going to be dificult. It could have been because I, for an unforseen reason, cried myself to sleep last night, like an emotionally disturbed child. It also could have been the insomnia that woke me at 3:30, 4:05, 4:48-- all uncomfortably before the alarm.... I could blame daylight savings time, but I know better......
November 3, 2007, I was in an ultrasound room with my husband, getting my hopes up for the greatest disappointment of my life. I was asked repeatedly "When did you say you were due? When was the first day of your last cycle? How far along are you again?" In the dead silence after the technician had left, my hubby tried to cheer me up, looking on the bright side. "Maybe you're measuring abnormally large, and we're having twins or something. Mikey and Madison, our little m&ms!" Again, I knew better. Less than an hour later, the doctor told me that "there were no signs of a viable pregnancy", to which he had to clarify that I would not carry to term. It took 5 days of pure isolation-- literally, I would see no one until I saw my mother-- tears that would not stop, comedies that did not make me laugh, ice cream straight from the carton that did not satisfy, and unadulterated anger with God before I began to come to terms with the fact that my baby was going to be leaving me. I prayed to get through the entire ordeal naturally..... and thought I had at one point, when I thought I saw what was left of my child in a crimson mess on my bathroom floor..... but a doctor later confirmed that I was wrong, and I had to go through with the d&c procedure... It has been 7 years since that dreaded ultrasound, and even now, as I write this, I cannot stop the tears from falling....
I managed to pull myself out of bed this morning, without too much effort honestly, despite the lack of sleep, and immediately attempted a smoothie to give me energy to face the day. To begin with, I actually tried the aryuvedic art of oil pulling. The health benefits of this practice are unmatched, from what I've researched, and people have told me that the oil actually doesn't taste that bad. Well.... to an extent, it didn't.... until I had been swishing it around for a few minutes, and then, with all due respect to you my friends.... they lied. I almost gagged after 6 minutes of viscous and now toxic oil being swished around in my mouth, and I had to run fo the kitchen garbage to cough it up before I threw up. Still, I suppose 6 minutes of that for the first time is a victory, as many oil pulling individuals can go up to 20 minutes several times a day. My hat is off to you all who can do that.
I began with a Purple and Green, a delicious smoothie that contains coconut milk, blueberries, spinach, avocado, cinnamon, and vanilla vegan protein. It was definitely amazing, thick, fresh, and luscious. It filled me up quickly, and I began my day. But, it wasn't long before other reminders of the season ahead came to me-- coupons for peppermint mocha coffee bleeping on my cell phone notification, letting me know that just a minute and a half up the road, the peppermint mocha was now in season.... and I caved, without any hesitation whatsoever. Then, as I was sipping on my wintry mocha bliss, I turned on my favorite christian artist Plumb-- as I went through her CD, I had completely forgotten about song #5, which was a song dedicated to all mothers who had lost children due to miscarriage or shortly after birth. And I sobbed all the way to work. I can truly say that I was grateful a cop did not pull me over, as the tears made it a bit difficult to drive. Although, and I hope this doesn't sound cocky, I think given the circumstances, I could have continued to cry and been let go.... but again, I digress.
My student was an absolute rockstar today. I couldn't have asked him to do better on his targets or socially. It was the best day he has had since he began in August. Still, even with such amazing accomplishment coming from my little corner of the classroom, it was impossible not to notice that most of the kids in the room were the age that Evan would have been this year... had he lived. I fought hard not to cry in front of them... I'm truly grateful that I managed not to. And as soon as my student got on the van to go home, I couldn't have run out of work fast enough to make it to my car and cry.... annnnnd, scarf down about 6 of the winter oreos (not to be confused with candy cane ones) that I had in my car from a previous shopping trip.... which brings me to my next destination-- counseling.
I was supposed to be going with Billy (or at least meeting him there) to discuss ways to handle my darling 4 year old's behavior. She, who has the need to seek out attention, has resolved to throw things, attack her siblings, and just in general, act like a brat. I love her to death, but good gracious! So, the plan was to meet so we could get on the same page.... and, but of course, he didn't show. This struck a nerve, big time.... again, flashing back 7 years, maybe a month after losing Evan, and I had become this clingy individual who needed so desperately to be held when I cried, to not be left alone, to need someone to help me heal from the loss of my baby. And, as opposed to getting this from my husband, I got told that I was too needy, that I was crowing him, that he needed space, that he would file divorce papers if I didn't back off a bit. Shocked, angry, and completely broken in that vulnerability, it came down to it-- even in death of our child, I couldn't depend on him to be there for me emotionally. And here we were today, again, dealing with the trouble of a child, and where was he? Sleeping at home. And I lost the bit of control I had for the day, and sobbed hysterically at the counselor... I owe her a box of kleenex..... and maybe some earplugs...
I came home, emotionally exhausted and drained, and the last thing I wanted to do was prepare something to eat. I went the leftover route, and took a bit of my creamy kale salad, and (still admitting today's failure), added some turkey loin to it, then tossed it in the tahini dressing. The kids now in bed, I have had the opportunity to write about my day, and though I am not proud of all of the culinary choices I made today, I cannot beat myself up over it. This journey doesn't happen overnight, and considering the plan was for me to go from the typical SAD to RAW overnight, I would say that I have made some very good improvements. Truthfully, I believe this journey will go further than 21 days, and I would like it to. The idea of this began as me losing weight to fit into a bridesmaid's dress for my friend's wedding in May of next year.... but honestly, the entire idea is about my health. And isn't part of my health including emotional health? And having the ability to write about my experience, the ups and downs of days like today, and the joy that comes from moving forward and getting past it, pushing through to eating better, making more conscious choices about sleep and exercise and meditating on the good parts of life-- this is all part of a transformation of health. So, even though I haven't stuck to 100% raw like I planned to originally, I'm getting there. Maybe I will be by the end of the journey, and maybe I will like it so much that I never go back to anything processed. I don't know where I will end up yet with this. What I can say is that this day was hard, and I'm still here-- I made it through (maybe a few oreros for the worse, but I survived it).
Until tomorrow,
Savor and Smile :-)
Let me just say that I knew from the moment I woke up this morning that my day was going to be dificult. It could have been because I, for an unforseen reason, cried myself to sleep last night, like an emotionally disturbed child. It also could have been the insomnia that woke me at 3:30, 4:05, 4:48-- all uncomfortably before the alarm.... I could blame daylight savings time, but I know better......
November 3, 2007, I was in an ultrasound room with my husband, getting my hopes up for the greatest disappointment of my life. I was asked repeatedly "When did you say you were due? When was the first day of your last cycle? How far along are you again?" In the dead silence after the technician had left, my hubby tried to cheer me up, looking on the bright side. "Maybe you're measuring abnormally large, and we're having twins or something. Mikey and Madison, our little m&ms!" Again, I knew better. Less than an hour later, the doctor told me that "there were no signs of a viable pregnancy", to which he had to clarify that I would not carry to term. It took 5 days of pure isolation-- literally, I would see no one until I saw my mother-- tears that would not stop, comedies that did not make me laugh, ice cream straight from the carton that did not satisfy, and unadulterated anger with God before I began to come to terms with the fact that my baby was going to be leaving me. I prayed to get through the entire ordeal naturally..... and thought I had at one point, when I thought I saw what was left of my child in a crimson mess on my bathroom floor..... but a doctor later confirmed that I was wrong, and I had to go through with the d&c procedure... It has been 7 years since that dreaded ultrasound, and even now, as I write this, I cannot stop the tears from falling....
I managed to pull myself out of bed this morning, without too much effort honestly, despite the lack of sleep, and immediately attempted a smoothie to give me energy to face the day. To begin with, I actually tried the aryuvedic art of oil pulling. The health benefits of this practice are unmatched, from what I've researched, and people have told me that the oil actually doesn't taste that bad. Well.... to an extent, it didn't.... until I had been swishing it around for a few minutes, and then, with all due respect to you my friends.... they lied. I almost gagged after 6 minutes of viscous and now toxic oil being swished around in my mouth, and I had to run fo the kitchen garbage to cough it up before I threw up. Still, I suppose 6 minutes of that for the first time is a victory, as many oil pulling individuals can go up to 20 minutes several times a day. My hat is off to you all who can do that.
I began with a Purple and Green, a delicious smoothie that contains coconut milk, blueberries, spinach, avocado, cinnamon, and vanilla vegan protein. It was definitely amazing, thick, fresh, and luscious. It filled me up quickly, and I began my day. But, it wasn't long before other reminders of the season ahead came to me-- coupons for peppermint mocha coffee bleeping on my cell phone notification, letting me know that just a minute and a half up the road, the peppermint mocha was now in season.... and I caved, without any hesitation whatsoever. Then, as I was sipping on my wintry mocha bliss, I turned on my favorite christian artist Plumb-- as I went through her CD, I had completely forgotten about song #5, which was a song dedicated to all mothers who had lost children due to miscarriage or shortly after birth. And I sobbed all the way to work. I can truly say that I was grateful a cop did not pull me over, as the tears made it a bit difficult to drive. Although, and I hope this doesn't sound cocky, I think given the circumstances, I could have continued to cry and been let go.... but again, I digress.
My student was an absolute rockstar today. I couldn't have asked him to do better on his targets or socially. It was the best day he has had since he began in August. Still, even with such amazing accomplishment coming from my little corner of the classroom, it was impossible not to notice that most of the kids in the room were the age that Evan would have been this year... had he lived. I fought hard not to cry in front of them... I'm truly grateful that I managed not to. And as soon as my student got on the van to go home, I couldn't have run out of work fast enough to make it to my car and cry.... annnnnd, scarf down about 6 of the winter oreos (not to be confused with candy cane ones) that I had in my car from a previous shopping trip.... which brings me to my next destination-- counseling.
I was supposed to be going with Billy (or at least meeting him there) to discuss ways to handle my darling 4 year old's behavior. She, who has the need to seek out attention, has resolved to throw things, attack her siblings, and just in general, act like a brat. I love her to death, but good gracious! So, the plan was to meet so we could get on the same page.... and, but of course, he didn't show. This struck a nerve, big time.... again, flashing back 7 years, maybe a month after losing Evan, and I had become this clingy individual who needed so desperately to be held when I cried, to not be left alone, to need someone to help me heal from the loss of my baby. And, as opposed to getting this from my husband, I got told that I was too needy, that I was crowing him, that he needed space, that he would file divorce papers if I didn't back off a bit. Shocked, angry, and completely broken in that vulnerability, it came down to it-- even in death of our child, I couldn't depend on him to be there for me emotionally. And here we were today, again, dealing with the trouble of a child, and where was he? Sleeping at home. And I lost the bit of control I had for the day, and sobbed hysterically at the counselor... I owe her a box of kleenex..... and maybe some earplugs...
I came home, emotionally exhausted and drained, and the last thing I wanted to do was prepare something to eat. I went the leftover route, and took a bit of my creamy kale salad, and (still admitting today's failure), added some turkey loin to it, then tossed it in the tahini dressing. The kids now in bed, I have had the opportunity to write about my day, and though I am not proud of all of the culinary choices I made today, I cannot beat myself up over it. This journey doesn't happen overnight, and considering the plan was for me to go from the typical SAD to RAW overnight, I would say that I have made some very good improvements. Truthfully, I believe this journey will go further than 21 days, and I would like it to. The idea of this began as me losing weight to fit into a bridesmaid's dress for my friend's wedding in May of next year.... but honestly, the entire idea is about my health. And isn't part of my health including emotional health? And having the ability to write about my experience, the ups and downs of days like today, and the joy that comes from moving forward and getting past it, pushing through to eating better, making more conscious choices about sleep and exercise and meditating on the good parts of life-- this is all part of a transformation of health. So, even though I haven't stuck to 100% raw like I planned to originally, I'm getting there. Maybe I will be by the end of the journey, and maybe I will like it so much that I never go back to anything processed. I don't know where I will end up yet with this. What I can say is that this day was hard, and I'm still here-- I made it through (maybe a few oreros for the worse, but I survived it).
Until tomorrow,
Savor and Smile :-)
Day 2
Oh, daylight savings, how I love you!
I have to admit it isn't because I managed to get an extra hour of sleep. But, with 3 kids running around crazy on a Sunday morning before church, it was a welcome relief to know that I actually had time to make breakfast that wasn't zapped in a microwave, and I could locate matching socks for them without needing to barter my soul to the Sock Gnome. I swear, the divorce rate for socks in this house is 100%, but I digress...
I began the morning with a green smoothie-- don't be put off by that, they are actually amazing. Mine consisted of coconut milk (just because i prefer the taste and thickness to almond milk), avocado, spinach, coconut water, chia seeds, and vegan vanilla protein. It was thick and an absolutely perfect way to start the morning. It was blending while the kids were listening to music on my iPad, and we were all dancing around like fools, their dad included, which kinda shocked me. I couldn't resist the urge to tell him that I liked his butt, that it was cute. He jokingly asked "ugh, you don't like my eyes?" and we chuckled. I told him they were beautiful cow brown, and once he explained that to a boy from a midwest farming state, that meant poop, he joked about how I must be the apple of his ***hole. The laughter couldn't have brightened the morning any more than the bright sunbeams shining in the windows.
After church, and once the kiddos were enjoying their quiet time, I went into kale mode-- I have a downloaded cookbook from an amazing chef who calls himself "the Vegan Zombie" (the gimmick is actually hilarious, and his food is amazing!), and I yanked out one of my favorite salads from him known as the Creamy Kale Salad. This is the video of him making it-- so don't take my word for it, you can enjoy it for yourself :-)
The salad turned out amazing of course, and even though it was 4 servings, I still ate half the bowl. The tahini dressing that goes on it was sweet and tangy, and it blended perfectly with the kale. Crunchy, crispy, sweet, tangy-- an amazing combination. I LOVE this salad!
I have to admit that this has been a rough few days... I know, you're thinking Already! Sadly, yes. It isn't just the giving up of the food that is getting to me, but the effect of it. Yesterday the eveil detox migraine showed up. Today..... yes, the dreaded woman fairy that always appears at the most inconvenient time... and the chocolate craving came, and I gave in. In all fairness, it was dark chocolate acai berries. Vegan? No. Healthier than a Snickers? Absolutely.
Attempting to redeem myself at dinner, I finished the night with a Raw Blackberry and Mango Almond Nut Pate Salad. Sounds complicated, right? It really wasn't. I had already soaked a cup of almonds overnight, which made it very easy to pulse-process them into bite tiny pieces (not mush, hence using the pulse option). I combined that with lime juice and zest, garlic, Himalayan salt, water, red pepper, fresh mint, avocado, fresh blackberries and a bit of green onion, and Holy WOW. [*the original recipe also calls for fresh ginger, mango, and pine nuts, but I didn't have those, so I just skipped them..*] Regardless, I topped about 2 spoonfuls of this over a bed of baby spinach and kale combo, and let me say that salad dressing has nothing on this recipe-- you could not possibly squeeze more flavor into this, at all. The blackberries burst and meshed with the mint and the lime, and it just completely changes the way you think about food.
This is by no means a professional picture (I will probably break out my good camera for future recipes), but this was the end result:
Maybe I'm completely insane, but this gave me the energy to get through 5 baskets of laundry, the ability to tidy up the entire laundry room, do dishes, reorganize the refrigerator, clean the kids toys, make their lunches, and still get to bed before 10:30. I have to say, despite the chocolate mid-day, I'm rather impressed!
Looking forward to day 3 :-)
Til then,
Savor and smile!
I have to admit it isn't because I managed to get an extra hour of sleep. But, with 3 kids running around crazy on a Sunday morning before church, it was a welcome relief to know that I actually had time to make breakfast that wasn't zapped in a microwave, and I could locate matching socks for them without needing to barter my soul to the Sock Gnome. I swear, the divorce rate for socks in this house is 100%, but I digress...
I began the morning with a green smoothie-- don't be put off by that, they are actually amazing. Mine consisted of coconut milk (just because i prefer the taste and thickness to almond milk), avocado, spinach, coconut water, chia seeds, and vegan vanilla protein. It was thick and an absolutely perfect way to start the morning. It was blending while the kids were listening to music on my iPad, and we were all dancing around like fools, their dad included, which kinda shocked me. I couldn't resist the urge to tell him that I liked his butt, that it was cute. He jokingly asked "ugh, you don't like my eyes?" and we chuckled. I told him they were beautiful cow brown, and once he explained that to a boy from a midwest farming state, that meant poop, he joked about how I must be the apple of his ***hole. The laughter couldn't have brightened the morning any more than the bright sunbeams shining in the windows.
After church, and once the kiddos were enjoying their quiet time, I went into kale mode-- I have a downloaded cookbook from an amazing chef who calls himself "the Vegan Zombie" (the gimmick is actually hilarious, and his food is amazing!), and I yanked out one of my favorite salads from him known as the Creamy Kale Salad. This is the video of him making it-- so don't take my word for it, you can enjoy it for yourself :-)
The salad turned out amazing of course, and even though it was 4 servings, I still ate half the bowl. The tahini dressing that goes on it was sweet and tangy, and it blended perfectly with the kale. Crunchy, crispy, sweet, tangy-- an amazing combination. I LOVE this salad!
I have to admit that this has been a rough few days... I know, you're thinking Already! Sadly, yes. It isn't just the giving up of the food that is getting to me, but the effect of it. Yesterday the eveil detox migraine showed up. Today..... yes, the dreaded woman fairy that always appears at the most inconvenient time... and the chocolate craving came, and I gave in. In all fairness, it was dark chocolate acai berries. Vegan? No. Healthier than a Snickers? Absolutely.
Attempting to redeem myself at dinner, I finished the night with a Raw Blackberry and Mango Almond Nut Pate Salad. Sounds complicated, right? It really wasn't. I had already soaked a cup of almonds overnight, which made it very easy to pulse-process them into bite tiny pieces (not mush, hence using the pulse option). I combined that with lime juice and zest, garlic, Himalayan salt, water, red pepper, fresh mint, avocado, fresh blackberries and a bit of green onion, and Holy WOW. [*the original recipe also calls for fresh ginger, mango, and pine nuts, but I didn't have those, so I just skipped them..*] Regardless, I topped about 2 spoonfuls of this over a bed of baby spinach and kale combo, and let me say that salad dressing has nothing on this recipe-- you could not possibly squeeze more flavor into this, at all. The blackberries burst and meshed with the mint and the lime, and it just completely changes the way you think about food.
This is by no means a professional picture (I will probably break out my good camera for future recipes), but this was the end result:
Maybe I'm completely insane, but this gave me the energy to get through 5 baskets of laundry, the ability to tidy up the entire laundry room, do dishes, reorganize the refrigerator, clean the kids toys, make their lunches, and still get to bed before 10:30. I have to say, despite the chocolate mid-day, I'm rather impressed!
Looking forward to day 3 :-)
Til then,
Savor and smile!
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Day 1
The journey of 1000 miles begins with one step. This is a classic cliche that we have all heard at one point or another, as we are at the threshold of a change. Sadly, cliches were useless today.
So began Day 1 of my raw foods transformation, and may I joviantly point out that I woke up joyful, and ready to go. The morning was actually fairly peaceful, despite the kids eating donuts and the smell of Panera coffee torturing me. Despite the momentary setback, I set off to make my breakfast-- a Red Berry Smoothie, containing raspberries, strawberries, OJ, rice milk, spinach and kale, and 3 small scoops of vegan protein. I do have to admit that the OJ was not freshly squeezed, nor the rice milk homemade. For that, I do not have the time or the equipment. As for the protein powder, this was raw protein powder that contained no soy or any other processed material-- just fruits, veggies, and vitamins. Despite that its color was resembling a mud puddle, my tastebuds sang as I got the first bit of what tasted like an orange dreamsicle. It was utter bliss.
Next, I had to stock up on a supply for my smoothies, salads, and otherwise raw yummy creations for the next week. Budget in mind and list in hand, I trecked off to Meijer, practically needing super strength to avoid crashing my car on account of the wind blowing my car out of my lane. If this wasn't enough, I had to chuckle under my breath a little bit when I was perousing the store, and I kept getting sideways glances from the slough of strangers staring at my cart-- I could practically hear their voices in my head reciting from my kids favorite book Click Clack Moo... "No milk?? No eggs??" Nope :-) There was also no bread, no juice, no sweets, or meats-- instead, my cart was loaded with every color vegetable under the sun, amounting to over $125 in raw produce, and the kiddos milks (almond and rice)... okay, I grabbed 2 cartons of coconut milk for myself too. It makes my smoothies creamy, and it is a healthy fat.
Overally, I can honestly say that I didn't have much to complain about. I was practically whistling as I de-spined the 5 bags of kale and separated it all into bags for smoothies, salads, and kale chips. (Is that weird that kale was the bulk purchase of the day?) Anyway, I prepped the kids' lunches, and began to make my own. I looked through my downloaded recipes and realized that I hadn't soaked the almonds for the entree I had hoped to make. So, quickly putting them in water and putting them aside for tomorrow, I quickly tossed together a spinach and kale salad with apples, pecans, and raw caramel apple dressing. The sweetness of the dressing combined with the crisp Michigan apples and the naturally salty pecans was amazing-- perfection truthfully. It couldn't have come out better.
It wasn't until the kiddos were napping that I began to remember something else-- that childhood line used to tease friends who were either better than you or ahead of you-- "First is the worst." This came very clear to me as I began to get the migraine of a lifetime. I knew it was a detox migraine, but with my head pulsing and throbbing to the extent that it was, I have to admit that Day 1 was not a great success; it was after an hour of migraine that I did indeed, cave. I ate a chocolate mocha muffin that Billy had brought home from the donut shop for me that morning (during his donut run for the kids), and then went to lay down. Shortly after, I could smell homemade chili from the kitchen, and knowing it wasn't vegan or raw, but still unable to resist, I enjoyed a small bowl of homemade chili that could have warmed the snowmen in Alaska. It was just spicy enough to make me remember why I absolutely love comfort food on a freezing cold day. I'm sure I had a vegan version I could have made, but either from pain or laziness, it wasn't happening today. I finally took 4 Aleve (800mg), and waited for the pain in my head to subside.
Despite the setbacks, I would say Day 1 wasn't terrible. having 2/3 meals raw, and no junk outside of that muffin, it is certainly a step in the right direction. I took the liberty of downloading the recipes for tomorrow so I'm better prepared...that, and making sure I have enough Aleve to get me through any upcoming migraines. Also, before pictures will be posted tomorrow, as will pictures of some of the recipes. :-)
Until tomorrow,
Savor and Smile :-)
So began Day 1 of my raw foods transformation, and may I joviantly point out that I woke up joyful, and ready to go. The morning was actually fairly peaceful, despite the kids eating donuts and the smell of Panera coffee torturing me. Despite the momentary setback, I set off to make my breakfast-- a Red Berry Smoothie, containing raspberries, strawberries, OJ, rice milk, spinach and kale, and 3 small scoops of vegan protein. I do have to admit that the OJ was not freshly squeezed, nor the rice milk homemade. For that, I do not have the time or the equipment. As for the protein powder, this was raw protein powder that contained no soy or any other processed material-- just fruits, veggies, and vitamins. Despite that its color was resembling a mud puddle, my tastebuds sang as I got the first bit of what tasted like an orange dreamsicle. It was utter bliss.
Next, I had to stock up on a supply for my smoothies, salads, and otherwise raw yummy creations for the next week. Budget in mind and list in hand, I trecked off to Meijer, practically needing super strength to avoid crashing my car on account of the wind blowing my car out of my lane. If this wasn't enough, I had to chuckle under my breath a little bit when I was perousing the store, and I kept getting sideways glances from the slough of strangers staring at my cart-- I could practically hear their voices in my head reciting from my kids favorite book Click Clack Moo... "No milk?? No eggs??" Nope :-) There was also no bread, no juice, no sweets, or meats-- instead, my cart was loaded with every color vegetable under the sun, amounting to over $125 in raw produce, and the kiddos milks (almond and rice)... okay, I grabbed 2 cartons of coconut milk for myself too. It makes my smoothies creamy, and it is a healthy fat.
Overally, I can honestly say that I didn't have much to complain about. I was practically whistling as I de-spined the 5 bags of kale and separated it all into bags for smoothies, salads, and kale chips. (Is that weird that kale was the bulk purchase of the day?) Anyway, I prepped the kids' lunches, and began to make my own. I looked through my downloaded recipes and realized that I hadn't soaked the almonds for the entree I had hoped to make. So, quickly putting them in water and putting them aside for tomorrow, I quickly tossed together a spinach and kale salad with apples, pecans, and raw caramel apple dressing. The sweetness of the dressing combined with the crisp Michigan apples and the naturally salty pecans was amazing-- perfection truthfully. It couldn't have come out better.
It wasn't until the kiddos were napping that I began to remember something else-- that childhood line used to tease friends who were either better than you or ahead of you-- "First is the worst." This came very clear to me as I began to get the migraine of a lifetime. I knew it was a detox migraine, but with my head pulsing and throbbing to the extent that it was, I have to admit that Day 1 was not a great success; it was after an hour of migraine that I did indeed, cave. I ate a chocolate mocha muffin that Billy had brought home from the donut shop for me that morning (during his donut run for the kids), and then went to lay down. Shortly after, I could smell homemade chili from the kitchen, and knowing it wasn't vegan or raw, but still unable to resist, I enjoyed a small bowl of homemade chili that could have warmed the snowmen in Alaska. It was just spicy enough to make me remember why I absolutely love comfort food on a freezing cold day. I'm sure I had a vegan version I could have made, but either from pain or laziness, it wasn't happening today. I finally took 4 Aleve (800mg), and waited for the pain in my head to subside.
Despite the setbacks, I would say Day 1 wasn't terrible. having 2/3 meals raw, and no junk outside of that muffin, it is certainly a step in the right direction. I took the liberty of downloading the recipes for tomorrow so I'm better prepared...that, and making sure I have enough Aleve to get me through any upcoming migraines. Also, before pictures will be posted tomorrow, as will pictures of some of the recipes. :-)
Until tomorrow,
Savor and Smile :-)
Friday, October 31, 2014
REVIVAL
After a very long hiatus, here we go! The time has come to revive this blog.
It is an extremely drab day today-- an afternoon of rain fogging up my kitchen windows, and a quiet house, mostly since my two girls are taking some quiet time, as directed by me. This morning has been dedicated to research-- between the back pain, joint pain, weight gain, and migraines, it is no mystery that the effects of aging on the standard american diet (SAD) is taking its toll. A few years ago, it was a bit easier to change the way I ate-- I was happily married, a stay at home mom, and I was not in school. However, after 3 years of not writing, I am now separated and in pursuit of a divorce, I have 3 kiddos (Mikey Mouse is autistic), and I am not only finished with my Bachelors, but I am now in graduate school. I also work part time with autistic individuals about 35 minutes from the cozy little town of Sandusky. -- Side note, I miss the east coast terribly!
Regardless of any "reason" I've had for getting lazy, my body simply can't take it anymore. After facing a day when nothing is predictable and everything has been topsy turvy, I can honestly say that kicking back with a pizza and a movie is no longer helping me relax. I have come to find comfort and peace in cooking and baking once again. And I certainly have heard no complaints from my co-workers when I bring in all the yummy treats of my confection therapy :-)
Tomorrow begins a new journey that I have never attempted, and it truly does have me a bit on edge. I am going to be pushing through 21 days of raw vegan foods-- specifically:
Is it absolutely crazy? Yes, but it is a challenge I am heartfully accepting in the name of good health.
So, cheers today because tomorrow begins the challenge! Look forward to sharing this journey.
Savor and Smile!
It is an extremely drab day today-- an afternoon of rain fogging up my kitchen windows, and a quiet house, mostly since my two girls are taking some quiet time, as directed by me. This morning has been dedicated to research-- between the back pain, joint pain, weight gain, and migraines, it is no mystery that the effects of aging on the standard american diet (SAD) is taking its toll. A few years ago, it was a bit easier to change the way I ate-- I was happily married, a stay at home mom, and I was not in school. However, after 3 years of not writing, I am now separated and in pursuit of a divorce, I have 3 kiddos (Mikey Mouse is autistic), and I am not only finished with my Bachelors, but I am now in graduate school. I also work part time with autistic individuals about 35 minutes from the cozy little town of Sandusky. -- Side note, I miss the east coast terribly!
Regardless of any "reason" I've had for getting lazy, my body simply can't take it anymore. After facing a day when nothing is predictable and everything has been topsy turvy, I can honestly say that kicking back with a pizza and a movie is no longer helping me relax. I have come to find comfort and peace in cooking and baking once again. And I certainly have heard no complaints from my co-workers when I bring in all the yummy treats of my confection therapy :-)
Tomorrow begins a new journey that I have never attempted, and it truly does have me a bit on edge. I am going to be pushing through 21 days of raw vegan foods-- specifically:
- No meat
- No cheese/dairy
- No processed sugars
- No caffiene
- No processed breads/grains
- ALL foods "cooked" (better word is "prepared") at under 107 degrees.
Is it absolutely crazy? Yes, but it is a challenge I am heartfully accepting in the name of good health.
So, cheers today because tomorrow begins the challenge! Look forward to sharing this journey.
Savor and Smile!
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